Gratitude

The other day I was playing around on the web and found the project playlist where you can compile songs you like and post them on your blog. I found it to be a really exciting thing and found some songs such as the one you are listening to now by Nichole Nordeman. She has some of the most powerful lyrics that really touch your heart. It made me reflective on what has transpired in my life over the last few months. God is good. God is great! When I started this blog I made mention of Hayden and the events that took place right after his birth and how I would need to come back someday and share how much I saw God throughout his and our experience. I think one of the things that made the event so overwhelming in the beginning was the fact that we went in for Hayden to be born prepared for it to be a routine labor and delivery. Ella was so easy and we thought this would be just the same. My thoughts revolved around whether not I would have Hayden stay in the room with me at night or in the nursery and have him be brought to me for feedings. I laugh to think about that now. That first night in the hospital right after he was born we knew that they had wanted to keep him under observation so that they could give him some oxygen. We were told he would probably be back in our room in 4 hours. I layed there in bed trying to rest a little and Mark came back to the room to tell me that he was really worried about the baby. I told him it was nothing and that it was routine to keep an eye on him. We thought he may have just aspirated some fluid. Mark kept insisting to the nurses to call his ped and they said they would. I thought he was overreacting a bit, but when 4 hours turned into the whole night of me jumping up out of bed to see if Hayden had been brought to me, I began to worry too. Those first couple of days were a blur to me because I could not get my mind around what was going on. I don't think anyone could. My heart was breaking when we saw him in his bed with the CPAP and his bruised heals, arms and hands. They had restrained him because he kept pulling the oxygen out and also put a tent over his bed because he was so overstimulated from the other crying babies. That night I stood over him for 4 or 5 hours straight. I just stood there and stared. I didn't know what was going on, that by the time they mentioned taking him to the NICU I was more than ready. I can't explain the feeling you have in your heart when you realize what you are going through is a gift from God. The night we drove back from the NICU after he was first admitted I was in a complete daze. Mark wanted to know all the in's and out's of what was going on with Hayden. Mark told me that the doctor had told him that they always give 3 possible theories as to what is going on with a baby and treat them all. The doctor said, Hayden's lungs were very sick and that Hayden could live for 3 minutes more or 30 years more, but that it was up to Hayden. Mark and I knew that it wasn't up to Hayden, but God. I told Mark that I thought that it was ironic to how much what was wrong with Hayden paralleled with life. We have no idea if we are going to live to see tomorrow. Looking back, I am amazed that God provided me with such peace. HE did it! I remember saying that God is a great anesthetic. Although I felt numb, my heart was at a great place. I think had Hayden had something that could have been easily "fixed" with medicine or a specific surgery or treatment I would have struggled more because I would have felt like it was in my hands to fix. However, since the whole thing was so gray in description, I had no choice but surrender Hayden to God. Every day that Hayden remained in the NICU, I knew that whatever God's purpose was had not been completely fulfilled, He wasn't finished using Hayden for His glory. That idea kept me at peace. God provided for us in SO many ways. Our friends bent over backwards to be there for us. Many came to pray over us and call to make sure we were okay. We heard so many stories of people that felt compelled in the middle of the night to wake and pray for Hayden by name. I believe God surrounded us with family to keep us strong. I can remember coming home almost every night after being up there until 1 am and crying because I was emotionally raw and having family there to hug and comfort me and Mark. I cannot explain the pure, unselfish love that was shown to us. One night Mark mentioned that he had just started reading Max Lucado's book, A Gentle Thunder, Hearing God Through the Storm. I had already read this book several years ago, but the week before Hayden's birth, Mark pulled it off the shelf and decided to read it. The night before he was born Mark had gotten to chapter 4, Miracle at Midnight, The God of Perfect Timing. Mark insisted that I take the time and reread the chapter while waiting for my turn to go back and see Hayden. I didn't and the next day Mark asked me again if I had read the chapter, so finally while we were driving over to the hospital I took a moment to read. I was in awe of how God spoke through Max at such a perfect moment when we were asking, Why? I immediately began to cry as I read. I want to give Max credit for the following words because he acted as such a great deliverer of God's word.

It reminds me of the often-told story of two maestros who attended a concert to hear a promising young soprano. One commented on the purity of her voice. The other responded, "Yes, but she'll sing better once her heart is broken." There are certain passions only learned by pain. And there are times when God, knowing that, allows us to endure the pain for the sake of the song.

So what does God do while we are enduring the pain? What does he do while we are in the storm? You'll love this. He prays for us. Jesus wasn't in the boat because he had gone to the hills to pray (see Mark 6:46). Jesus prayed. That is remarkable. It is even more remarkable that Jesus didn't stop praying when his disciples were struggling. When he heard their cries, he remained in prayer.

Why? Two possible answers. Either he didn't care, or he believed in prayer. I think you know the correct choice.

And you know what? Jesus hasn't changed. He still prays for his disciples. "Because Jesus lives forever, he will never stop serving as priest. So he is able always to save those who come to God through him because he always lives, asking God to help them" (Heb. 7:24-25).

So where does that leave us? While Jesus is praying and we are in the storm, what are we to do? Simple. We do what the disciples did. We row. The disciples rowed most of the night. Mark says they "struggled hard" to row the boat (Mark 6:48). The word struggle is elsewhere translated as "tormented." Wasn't easy. Wasn't glamorous.

This song Gratitude does such a great job explaining how God continually provides for us and takes care of our every need even when we don't understand what He is providing or for what reason. God knew what we wanted, but knew what we needed. He needed us to see that we needed Him. I think in all of our lives that we get caught up in the ideals that we can take care of ourselves and "do it on our own." Hayden showed us that while we will be held responsible for raising him and teaching him to be a man of God, we need God to do that through us. We are only a tool to be used. I am so thankful for the experience. I know I would have struggled to appreciate the experience if I had not have had God right there beside me, but the prayers and friends and family made me feel as though God was right there holding me in His arms. I still break down in tears on occasion and think about what we went through daily. I know that God also used this event to touch others. I can only imagine how God used this to open the eyes and hearts of others especially when 20 people enter in to a hospital waiting room and pray in front of non believers. My doctors who I know are not believers saw my preacher, friends, family come in and pray over us. God knew that He could work in there hearts too. "Heal him right now!" That was my prayer. That is my prayer for our friends Jaymie and Kory. If you will please be praying for Kanyon, their little boy who is in the NICU right now. There blog is posted in my links to the side. We had one family that reached out to us that had a son that had the same thing as Hayden many years before. When I spoke with the mother she had tears in her eyes and said it was amazing how in just a split second she could go back to that moment when they were in the NICU and how her heart hurt. That is exactly how I feel, my heart hurts for Jaymie and Kory because I know that this is difficult being in the balancing act and feeling like the days are never ending. I know they must be amazing Christians because God has chosen them to demonstrate to others their strength and faith. I see God throughout their whole story. He is using them and Kanyon to teach and show His miracles.

God is GREAT!! No matter what the outcomes we face in life are we need to TRUST Him because His plan is greater than any of us can fathom.